That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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