I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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