pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
