It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
