i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
