He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
