You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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