Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
