I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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