ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
why is half of my head shaved?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
