its not stalking. its research.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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