Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
