Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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