My liver just broke up with me...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
