Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
