I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
