I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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