break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize