so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
COCAINE IS GR8
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
