FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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