i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
