I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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