i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
