I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
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I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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