Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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