Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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