you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
