Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
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Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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