I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
