You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
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Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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