She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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