you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
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He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
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I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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