Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Randomize
