I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Enjoy the penises
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize