so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
