I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
