Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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