mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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