And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
