I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
