Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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