After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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