Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
