life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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