I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
