every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So squirting runs in the family.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
