Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
