Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
People in love make me want to vomit
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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