cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
