Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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