we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh god it's open bar.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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