we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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