Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
