You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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