She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
