i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
