just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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